The first story by Tamura Toshiko, "A Woman Writer" was incredibly
upsetting. This intelligent, successful woman seems very unsatisfied and
unhappy, though it would appear that she has everything that she could ever
want. Looking deeper though, one sees her anguish in her marriage to a man who
feels no emotion toward her, whether it be love or hate. All she receives is
total indifference from this man who was her first love; a man she will always
care for deeply. This void of emotion in her life has driven her into a severe
writer's block, making her feel as though "no matter how hard she wrung
(her brain), her bag of wits offered not so much as a single word that was alive
not half a phrase that smelled of warm blood." (pg. 11) To be at a place in
your life when you can't reach within yourself to find any inspiration except
daydreams that do not fulfill your needs seems heartbreaking to me. The woman's
use of powder also showed her displeasure with herself and the world around her.
She could not be without this mask on her face, even in sleep. When she does not
wear this white disguise "her emotions become jagged; she felt awful,
unduly suspicious, and it showed in her expressions. Her mood deteriorated; she
became sulky and lost all desire to be flirtatious." (pg. 12) She was a
woman living in a world that was not reality, and she cannot express herself
unless she is living in her fantasy. The problem that has occurred though, is
that she is now unable to reach any of her emotions, even with her masks and
temper tantrums. She finally starts to realize how truly discontented she is
when she talks to her friend about each of their definitions of love. Though I
don't necessarily agree with the writer's friend's conception of a true love
without compromise, she does point out how easy it is to lose yourself in a
relationship. The writer believes she is "worthless" in some way, and
she accepts the pain her marriage has caused her. While accepting this she loses
a sense of herself. Her friend however, on the contrary is willing to live apart
from her lover because she will not give herself up for anything. She expresses
this best by saying that "self is the art one creates….to live for the
sake of one's art is, after all, to live for oneself." (pg. 16) The woman
writer no longer knows herself, which is why she cannot write. She tries to find
inspiration from others around her, whether they make her happy or miserable,
and cannot remember how to dig into herself to break the terrible cycle she has
found herself in. There is some hope however at the end when she reflects on the
actress. This scene has brought her back to the fictional world. No longer is
she dwelling on those around her, but looking inward at what she finds
appealing. By delving into her desires, and not the desires or emotions of those
around her she can hopefully find the motivation to write again. Through this
writing with any luck, she will be able to find herself again.